Dear E,
I write these lines with much kindness and affection, hoping they might open a path of reflection on a subject that concerns us all: the necessity of turning toward ourselves to better live our relationships.
What I observe in your couple, and which actually affects many of us, is this difficulty in undertaking authentic inner work. M. increasingly feels the need to share this path with you, that of self-discovery and liberation from our unconscious fears.
The Mirror of Relationships
Our closest relationships are often our best mirrors. The worries we carry for our children, for example, are sometimes reflections of our own unresolved anxieties. This unconscious transmission is very real — psychologists remind us that the maternal unconscious and that of the child communicate permanently, creating a deep emotional resonance that can last a lifetime.
It’s easy to point fingers at others’ difficulties, but true courage consists in turning this gaze toward ourselves. This is where our power of transformation resides, our capacity to break the repetitive cycles that imprison us.
Gaps in the Couple
In couple relationships, when one partner engages in work on themselves while the other remains withdrawn, a natural gap is created. This is not a matter of judgment, but a reality that must be recognized. M. has long pursued this quest for self-understanding, constantly seeking to improve and evolve.
He observes that certain of your habits — these long daily telephone conversations that often revolve around others, this tendency toward social isolation — can create an atmosphere that deeply affects him. This is not a criticism of your person, but the expression of a need for more authentic connection.
The Golden Prison of Control
What M. perceives as a dominant or perfectionist attitude actually hides something deeper and more universal: fear. This tendency to want to control everything, which many of us know, is born from a deep fear of our own repressed emotions. We unconsciously sense that if we relax our vigilance, these buried emotions might surge up and overwhelm us.
To avoid this confrontation with ourselves, we direct our energy toward controlling external elements. But control is an illusion. And because we never manage to control everything, we end up blaming others for not helping us enough in this impossible task.
This is what can lead you to feel that you bear alone the weight of raising the children. And it is indeed painful for a man to constantly feel held responsible for his partner’s inability to control everything. He then feels a form of muted violence, even if it’s not expressed in words, and develops the feeling of always being insufficient.
True Femininity
M. aspires to rediscover in his companion that authentic femininity which is not defined by domination or control, but by fluidity and the capacity to let go. True perfection is not in obsessive mastery, but in the fluid acceptance of what is.
This transformation is not only beneficial for the couple, but constitutes the most beautiful gift you can offer your children: showing them a mother who dared to free herself from her fears, who had the courage to look her wounds in the face to free herself from them.
Universal Wounds
We all carry within us traces of the fundamental wounds of existence: rejection, abandonment, betrayal, injustice and humiliation. No one escapes this. The difference between those who evolve and those who stagnate lies in the willingness to recognize these wounds and undertake the necessary work to free oneself from them.
A Call to Authenticity
What M. seeks, fundamentally, is a woman who turns toward herself with courage, who gives her life a deeper meaning than living solely for her social image or to maintain a facade of perfection. He aspires to share his life with someone who, like him, engages in this quest for inner truth.
The Invitation to Change
This letter is not an indictment, but an invitation. An invitation to discover that behind every relational difficulty lies an opportunity for personal growth. An invitation to understand that our external relationships are only the reflection of our inner relationship with ourselves.
Work on oneself is not a luxury or spiritual coquetry, it’s a necessity for anyone who aspires to authentic and fulfilling relationships. It’s an act of courage and love — toward oneself and toward those around us.
I encourage you to reflect on these words, not as reproaches, but as seeds of transformation. Each of us has the power to break the invisible chains that maintain us in repetitive patterns. Sometimes it takes just one conscious step toward oneself for everything to change.
With all my affection and confidence in your capacity for transformation,